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Xavier, 1995.Xavier
Sutter and Jones Apartment,
San Francisco
August 6, 1995
MW: Do you take any medications right now?
Xavier: That's a whole tape onto itself. D4T, Septra, Zerit, those are my western meds. As for the herbs, I take Cats Claw and some Chinese concoction which is a mixture of many things. I've done a lot of experimenting to find what's best for me. I don't have any side effects with this regimen. I don't know what they're doing to me really. My T-Cells are pretty much the same; around the 200 range. I take medications to feel like I'm doing something for myself. For all I know it's a placebo effect. I feel like this virus is going to do what it wants to do, whether I do the right thing or not.
MW: What have you had to confront in yourself since HIV?
Xavier: My insecurities. I've had a lack of faith in myself growing up. I think because I was put down a lot. You see, I grew up in Texas and that wasn't the most welcoming place to be different. I struggled a lot with my sexuality. I knew I was always attracted to men, but I felt so much pressure to conform. I obviously wasn't doing a very good job. I would get picked on constantly at school and sometimes get punched by other kids for no apparent reason. I would move from school to school trying to escape my problems. I liked the ability to reinvent myself and start anew, but it was a matter of time before I was picked on again by new students. I really withdrew from people and became a social pariah for most of sixth grade through my sophomore year in high school. My parents have always been supportive of me, but I never came out to them during that time. They were the only bit of support I had and I didn't want to shatter that. Although, they suspected all along that I was gay and made it clear to me that they did, but I still didn't accept it in myself to officially come out to them. I finally did after I was positive. I figured there was no point in holding back anymore. I reached a point of reality of who I was and couldn't hide behind these layers of conformity any longer. When you're confronted with the possibility of dying, you see yourself and the world in a very truthful light. You can't bullshit yourself any longer.
MW: I don't have any other specific questions, but do you have anything else that you want to add?
Xavier: Yeah, I'd like to tell all those who are positive, you don't have to let this virus rule your life. You learn to live with it like you do with any other part of yourself. It's not the end of the world. It's just the beginning of what you will discover as part of your new found development. I can understand why a lot of people freak out and choose not to handle issues HIV brings to light, but you can deal with these issues now and live the rest of your life growing with that knowledge, or you can deal with it on your death bed. I used to think that there was no point in living anymore, that HIV equaled death and that's not the case. There's a lot more to life that I want to explore.
» This completes 1995. Continue reading 2000
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