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Xavier, 1995.Xavier
Sutter and Jones Apartment,
San Francisco
August 6, 1995
There was a period after I found out about my diagnosis where I was having anonymous unprotected sex with other men anywhere it was available. I had a lot of anger living in Arizona. I was angry at my virus mostly that it had taken the best years of my life away. At that time, I didn't care about myself anymore or anyone I was having sex with. I figured what was the point. All my efforts to try and not contract this virus are over. Besides, if these guys were putting themselves at such risks, then why was I to blame if they didn't want to use a condom? I justified it so many different ways just so I could feel connected again because I was feeling so isolated back then. As a result, I started catching other STD's because I wasn't protected. I got treated for those and then went into this celibacy stage for several months.
Now, I'm at a point where I have to protect myself and the other person. It's a two-way street. After coming to San Francisco and meeting more positive people that I admired, people who were confident and happy in their lives. I knew that I wanted to be like that and that I could be. That this wasn't the end of my life. I didn't have to feel that life was playing a cruel joke on me anymore, or that I had no other choice than to be self-destructive because any possibility of experiencing an intimate relationship was over. Now, I feel it is possible to find something more intimate with someone. I don't feel like HIV is going to have anything to do with me not finding that someone.
MW: Have you done anything since you tested positive with education or outreach?
Xavier: No, I haven't, but I want to. If I did
I wouldn't preach the standard safe sex rant that everyone is preaching.
I
don't think
that that's working anymore.
For the last 10 years we've been seeing poster after poster and advertisements
everywhere promoting safe sex. The education is out there, but in the end
I think kids are going to do what they want to do. I think we as HIV positive
people need to come out and say, "Look we're HIV positive and we're
everywhere. This is what it's like living with this virus and this is who
I am good and bad." People just don't ever think it could happen to
them. I didn't. We need to change some of these images of people dying in
three months and expose some of the other harsh realities that come with
living with this virus on a day to day basis. For example, being young, especially
at this age in your 20's. You're just starting out on your own. Most people
don't have stable jobs, some are still in school, and hardly anyone has health
insurance or even knows how it fully works. It's a crucial moment where you're
in between stages of your life and on top of that you have to deal with HIV
and everything that is attached with it physically and psychologically.
