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Xavier, 1995.Xavier
Sutter and Jones Apartment,
San Francisco
August 6, 1995
I found a good doctor and she told me something that made me feel a lot better. Something that no one was telling me. She said, "T-Cells are just numbers. They go up and down every hour of the day. What's more important is how you feel." I told her I felt fine and she said, "Then that's what you should focus on." That lifted a lot of stress from me. It's like that cliché which says we could all be hit by a bus tomorrow. We could choose to worry about when that day comes or we could go on with our lives appreciating every moment of it. So, now I don't worry so much about getting blood drawn, and honestly I haven't been sick since the day that I sero-converted.
Meredyth: When you first tested and you told your family, how did their reactions impact you?
Xavier: When I found out I wanted to let everybody know that I was positive, but my parents had reservation about disclosing to my aunts and uncles and grandparents. It was close to the holidays and I guess they didn't want to affect all that. I figured they knew better. But in January, they eventually told them. I have been extremely fortunate that everyone in my life has been supportive in one way or another. Like my grandmother, she's very religious and she tries to take me to church with her. It's really not my thing, but I appreciate that it's her way of trying to help me and at the same time it gives her some piece of mind and that comforts me. I don't want to worry about people worrying about me. I have not had one friend or family member that has said, "We don't want to deal with you because you have HIV." I've really been fortunate. Everyone's reactions have certainly made me feel like I'm not such an outcast as I make myself out to be. My mom is ultra-concerned lately. She thinks that I only have a certain amount of time left, and that there is no time to waste. She has suggested coming up to live with me here in San Francisco, and I welcome the possibility, but in all honesty it's not necessary right now.
MW: Are you close to your brother and sister?
Xavier: My brother's fifteen and my sister's five. My brother and I are especially close and we told him. My sister doesn't know yet. I mean, she's so young. My brother knew a lot more than we did at first. He asked me right away, "What are your T-Cells?" I had no idea what T-Cells were when I first was diagnosed.
MW: Have you had any serious relationships since you tested?
Xavier: Not serious, but I've dating a bit. It's difficult for me. I don't really know how to disclose my status in terms of timing. I feel somebody should get to know me as a person before getting to know me as someone with HIV. But, sometimes, I feel if they don't know about my status soon enough then I'm deceiving them. Since I moved to San Francisco, I've mostly been interested in other guys who are positive too. I figured it would be easier that way. That is until recently, I just got out of a kind of psycho relationship. I felt ready to let my guard down and open up to this person, but I don't think he was. He was recently diagnosed and I've already had a couple of years with this. We were on two different levels. His world was coming down and I am just picking up the pieces of mine. In his mind, there was nothing optimistic for him to look forward to, and there was nothing I could do to make him see otherwise. He needed to find that for himself. I realized that it doesn't really matter whether I'm dating somebody who's positive or negative. Just because we share the same virus doesn't mean there will be some instant connection. All the same rules apply.
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