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Xavier, 1995.Xavier
Sutter and Jones Apartment,
San Francisco
August 6, 1995
So, I put a personal ad in the paper and started talking to this guy for awhile. He was another lonely soul like me, but he knew nothing about my HIV status. He was stationed at the local airbase in town, and he wanted to "come out" to his parents and to his military friends but he also knew that if he did he would suffer some serious repercussions. He sounded very nice on the phone and one day suggested that we meet. I was a bit hesitant at first but agreed to meet him for lunch. I found him to be easy to talk to and very attractive. He immediately expressed an interest in me and I started thinking this is too good to be true. It was then that a wave of self doubt and insecurities flooded me. I was reminded of my HIV status. I began thinking why would anyone want to get to know me better. I was such a liability, such a health hazard. I didn't know how to disclose and even if I did, I was too afraid to do it at that moment because I really liked this guy. I became quiet and withdrawn. He sensed something was wrong, but I didn't tell him. Soon the date ended. I went home and went straight to bed. I stayed there for a week. I couldn't bare this pain any longer. I felt like life was such a cruel joke. My world went black. In my mind, I was already dead. I'd only get up to go the bathroom. My parents were really worried about me.
Fortunately, a friend of mine that I took a film production class with last year called me out of the blue and asked me "Do you want to do a film with me? I need a casting director." That was the very thing that offset my depression. I was soon out of the house and out of my self-destructive head. She had no idea what I was going through at that time, nor did she know that she had helped me so much.
Afterwards, I got on this big health kick. I started working out a lot. I took vitamins and herbs. I met more people and started developing a new outlook about things. I wanted to live. I wanted to lead a healthy positive life. However, life had a different plan for me. Exactly a year from my diagnosis, I got my T-cell reading again, six months from the previous one, and it had dropped to 91. At the time, that was considered an AIDS diagnosis. This is before viral load testing. I couldn't understand why this happened. I mean, previously, my T-cells were in the 700 range. I was feeling healthy. I did everything right. Why did my numbers drop so low? The doctor I was seeing at the University clinic didn't have too much experience with HIV. He was also surprised about my new result. He wasted no time in putting me on medication something I had never taken since I was diagnosed. He suggested AZT. I had heard horrible stories about that drug and they were all true. I was always tired and nauseated, and felt like throwing up. I couldn't concentrate clearly and just wanted to be in bed every moment I could. After a month of taking it and not feeling any better, I refused to continue on this medication. I told my doctor that I just can't bear another day feeling this way and he insisted that I continue with the drug. It was easy for him to say, but it truly was a horrible experience. I knew there had to be a better way. My mom had talked to her brother who lives in San Francisco and he suggested that I move up there with him and his family to try and find some more options and start a new life there. So, that's what I did.
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