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Xavier, 2000.Xavier
His house, Los Angeles
September 16, 2000
We've also decided early on to not wear condoms. Michael and I made this decision because it was a level of intimacy that we wanted to share with each other. This decision was brought up by him. It was hard for me to accept at first because I thought he jumped on board to fast and didn't think about all the consequences. I've lived with HIV for 8 years now and have gone through so much to come to this point where I am today. But, we've talked a lot about this and have done research, and he told me that he didn't want to have any fear that would separate us. He said the biggest fear he has would be if someday in the future we aren't together anymore. I find him to be really courageous. The way we look at this is we don't want this virus to control our relationship, or our love for each other. HIV is not going to infringe on how we make love. Michael agreed that no matter what he'll be there and I agreed the same with him.
I know it's hard to digest. I know there are a lot of people who think our decision is foolish. We're not denying the risk we're taking. You know some people smoke cigarettes to get a ten minute high knowing full well that it causes them lung cancer. Others like to lie out in the sun even after knowing the dangers of potentially getting skin cancer. Why is our risk classified any differently? At least there's comfort knowing that we aren't doing it for a quick ten minute high or a tan that'll last us a week. We are doing it for our love which will last us our lifetime. I feel his love is true and I trust him for engaging in this.
It's an interesting time in the sense that there is more awareness and acceptance around HIV. People aren't as fearful now as when I first tested. Now, HIV is a topic that can be discussed openly. If I disclose my status, people want to know more about me and what I'm dealing with. They don't pity me thinking that I'm going to die anytime soon. I don't announce my status if I don't need to, but I'm up front about it if there's a reason to be. Overall, I still feel that most people think HIV as a disease that other people have. They don't equate the fact that they could get it because they don't fall under the standard risk group, but it's out there. We're all prone to getting it. Yeah there may be better treatments out there. Yeah, people are living longer with it than before. But, don't forget it is still life altering. In some ways good and some ways bad and are you ready for those types of changes in your life? No one is. It doesn't matter when you get it.
A co-worker friend of mine recently took an HIV test before she got married. Sometimes people give results over the phone if your negative, but if your positive they ask you to come in. They told her to come into the office, and she drove to her doctor's office thinking she was infected. She broke down in tears and felt that her whole life was about to change and it probably would have, but it turned out that she was negative. It's not until you internalize it that the implications hit home. We have little reminders throughout our day: billboards, PSAs, and what not, but when you see those reminders how often do you really think it could be you?
» This completes 2000. Continue reading 2005
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