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Xavier, 2000.Xavier
His house, Los Angeles
September 16, 2000
I've been criticized by so many doctors here in LA for resisting to go on a cocktail regimen. They want you to get on a plan early so that it will attack the virus aggressively, but I don't really have the same faith in these drugs as the doctors down here have. I mean, nobody knows the long-term effects of these medications. My health has been fine overall. My HIV levels may not be undetectable every time they get checked, but I feel great and my numbers have been stable and haven't reached a point to be overly concerned about.
I still read about different treatments from time to time, but on a daily level I don't think about HIV as much as I used to. The only time I think about it is when I see the doctor and when I talk about it with Michael, my partner. Even then, it's not as frightening as it was before. I don't feel the desperation, the anxiety of running out of time I did five years ago. Maybe because mentally and physically I feel ok, and there's comfort in knowing there are some really good treatments now if ever I decided to take something stronger. I realize that I am very fortunate. Not everyone is in my position. Many people suffer with their meds and they don't have any other choice but to take them. And then of course, there are places like Africa and Asia where medications are so scarce and there are pharmaceutical companies who litigate generic brands that want to distribute to these poor countries. There's a lot of money to be made at the expense of people's health and it's not right. This makes me wonder if there will ever be a cure for this virus because many companies are profiting from keeping people just well enough to be dependent on these drugs. Another thing I worry about is the many cuts that have been made in funding HIV services and programs. It was these programs that made me feel connected in finding some self worth to live. But, over the years there's been a lot of downsizing. This election could determine a lot domestically and globally. If Bush wins, we can say goodbye to a lot of AIDS services. His agenda doesn't include people like us.
Fortunately, my relationship with Michael is the best thing that ever happened to me. He is truly an amazing human being. I am so fortunate that we found each other. Besides the fact that we connect on so many levels he's also made me feel very comfortable around him, and has never made me feel like I'm different in anyway. Michael is negative and even though he didn't freak out when I disclosed to him I still had some doubts in the beginning that this would last. Maybe he didn't really think everything through or maybe there will be something he'll find in me that he won't like. But, he's still here and now we are going to Vermont this December to perform a Civil Union.
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