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Tapestry, 2000.Tapestry
from a conversation taped May 11, 2000
After reading what I said in the interview, I recognize that I was afraid of people seeing me sick. Sometimes when people see you sick they don't stay. I wanted to be the one to go away. I've learned though, that my friends are my friends. They're going to be here whether I like it or not and whether they like it or not. It's like marriage but without the legalities and the paper. You don't have to take a blood test or sign a prenuptial.
It's nice to be able to smile, to be sitting in the sun hanging out with you, still able to giggle about this not so happy stuff. Especially in the past couple of weeks, I have questioned my strength, whether or not I could make it. The goddess still loves me; she let me keep my sense of humor. When that goes, we're all in trouble. That's when I get bitter. I'll sit in a bar holding a bottle of water and bitch about life.
That's another thing that's happened. My body is saying, "Well you wanna be healthy. I'll support you in that, but you can't drink alcohol, do E at 4:00 in the morning or get stoned unless somebody's blowing smoke in your face." All my friends look at me like, "you're saying no?" "Yup." It tapered off and now I'm just done.
Despite the illness and change in status, I wake up in San Francisco thrilled to be in this great place. My family still loves me and I've rebuilt the relationship with my brothers. Sam is 13 and Jack is now 18. He and I talk candidly about his bi-sexuality and my HIV status. I have a profound respect for both of them. I'm proud we share the same bloodline; I can't wait to see what they contribute to the world.
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