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Stella,
1995.Stella
On the jungle gym in a park in the Upper Haight, near her apartment
April 26, 1995
MW: Do you feel differently about yourself now than before you tested positive?
Stella: Yeah, totally, but it's not like I felt great about myself when I tested positive. In fact, I remember a few days before going to get tested I went to a witchcraft shop and got this candle for a spell to get rid of anxiety. I also got this anxiety powder. I had serious fear and anxiety followed by depression. I felt like I was doing nothing with my life. I was 20 years old and in city college. I wasn't a famous actress. I was miserable. I would go through periods of my life doing great. Then I would drop out and sleep and be depressed. Let's just put it this way; I have more in common with my mother then I do my brothers and sisters. I think about how much of a difference can I make in this world before I die. The truth of the matter, Meredyth, is that I was thinking that shit ever since I was 2 years old. It's not like pressure is anything new, or really checking out my life in a deep way is anything new. I always wanted to be the best. I wanted to go to the best schools. I was always doing great and then failing, doing great and then failing. When I was younger and in high school, I went to the school for gifted students and an exclusive school in New Orleans and failed out. When I was a freshman in college, I went to another exclusive school and basically failed because I chose to fucking get out of there. Even before I tested, there was great pressure and depression. All in all, in the whole picture, I'm much better off now. I don't know if I would be where I am in my head if I didn't have HIV.
I went to a conference in DC a few months ago and it was all young people with HIV. With maybe a few exceptions, though I can't think of any now, I liked everybody there. One of things that my psychiatrist told me is that it strips away the material world. It doesn't mean as much if you don't dress a certain way or look a certain way. I've talked to people with HIV that are so cool and so evolved. There's just something beautiful and mature about them. It sucks because people say that I've been given this thing and I should live my life now. Well, it's not like that. It's been really tough and it's made my life much harder to live. But I don't think I would've done this much if I didn't have HIV.
MW: Can you say anything about what led up to where you are now from the time those doctors walked out of the room?
Stella: Well, I sort of went into hiding and got really sad but I didn't show it or let myself feel how devastating this situation really was. I wish I had let myself realize how devastating it was. I don't know; it's been better and worse and better and worse. I guess it's just time that's given me more acceptance of it. Telling my mom last year was a good thing for me to do emotionally.
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