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Stella,
1995.Stella
On the jungle gym in a park in the Upper Haight, near her apartment
April 26, 1995
MW: How have you dealt with other sexual relationships?
Stella: It's really tough and I'm really fucked up with it. Three times I've had sex with someone and not told him I was positive. But it was safe sex all three times. The last time was in February and I wanted to die and I'll never do it again. I get scared they are gonna reject me and then later I think, "God why didn't I tell them when they could have rejected me?"
This guy that I've known since the first grade, well, I went home a year after I tested. We were falling in love and it was really wonderful, we'd been friends forever. We fooled around and we had oral sex and I told him the next day. We wound up having sex and seeing each other a little bit while I was in New Orleans, and then I came back here. He wrote me a letter a few days afterwards and it was just horrible. He was a very good writer. He was very clever. He called me a pariah. He was a total dick. This was someone who was my friend for years, a friend of our family from way back. Based on his reaction, I was petrified to tell someone that I was gonna sleep with. It was a constantly difficult issue.
Once, I met this guy and we had incredible sex and I didn't care about my body or anything. All of my self-consciousness just disappeared. I couldn't stop. It went too far. I had sex with him for like three days straight and it was right around Valentine's Day. He gave me a Valentine's present and everything. I couldn't deal with the guilt of telling him that I'm positive because I wanted to keep having sex with him. I couldn't ignore him so I called him up and told him to come over. I wanted to tell him so bad. I told him that I was absolutely positive that I was in love with someone else. I said I was sorry. I dealt with it like a pussy. It kicked in that telling someone before any contact is cake compared to telling someone who's gonna perhaps make me feel guilty for having put them in any kind of danger. So, I wish that I told him like an hour before we started having sex. It's not guaranteed rejection.
MW: Do you have any concern that he might test positive?
Stella: I do have a concern, a very very small concern, but I do. Somebody gave it to me and it blows my mind. I would like to think that it's impossible for chicks to give it to men. But that's just not the case.
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