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Stella,
1995.Stella
On the jungle gym in a park in the Upper Haight, near her apartment
April 26, 1995
At one audition, after the one I did when I gave him the letter. I got my first paying play. I got the lead role in this great play. Then I was in another play right after that so I was doing plays in October and November and December. He got to know the really great side of me that I had forgotten for so long.
We are like each other's total soul mate. At the same time, I can imagine having sex with him but I can't imagine always having sex with him. I just can't imagine being his girlfriend because we're so tight. But there is all this energy there. We fooled around this time when I just finished a rehearsal and I went to his house with Tequila. He said that I drank the whole thing. I attacked him and I took off all my clothes, took off all his clothes. That's how he put it. I really wasn't aware of what was going on. It was really unlike me. I woke up with just a T-shirt and flicks of memory. I was like, "Did we fool around?" It wasn't the first time but he said, "Well, you attacked me!" I was really embarrassed. I was apologetic. He said that he tried to resist but he couldn't. I apologized later that night but we just didn't talk about it. I think he knows that I'm in love with him. He doesn't distance himself from me in anyway, but just gets closer. I don't know I have this weird fantasy that I'm gonna make him love me. I've never had that feeling before but I was not gonna let him get out of my life. It felt like I'd touched something incredible and I felt like I just have to have him.
MW: How did he react when you told him that you were HIV positive?
Stella: He was really surprised. He's been tested many times because he's had a lot of sex. He's actually been relieved that he's been negative. I was kind of nervous because we fooled around that first night we met. I wasn't limited in telling him because I had put him in any danger; there was a slight possibility he could have seen it that way, but he didn't. I have a feeling that one of the reasons he was able to get closer to me is because it made him realize that he couldn't just mess around with me, and my emotions.
Also, he would perhaps know that the letter means a lot more and is a lot more urgent. It made how I felt about him seem more legitimate. I am in such a position in life that I am set up to be moved by experiences. The fact that I perhaps only have 10 years to live might explain things like that. I feel like it explained me a little bit more.
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