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Stella,
1995.Stella
On the jungle gym in a park in the Upper Haight, near her apartment
April 26, 1995
MW: How is it that you deal with your own self-rejection?
Stella: A lot of therapy and hard work. My basic goal in life is really to be happy and there was no way to be happy if I hated myself. I do things when I hate myself that really suck. I'll stay in bed all day or I won't go to school or I will eat like a pig. It wasn't only that I wanted to stop hating myself but that I wanted to act in a play or complete a class or go on a trip. In order to achieve that, I would have to stop thinking of myself as disgusting.
I do have serious depression sometimes, but HIV exasperated that. I'm not giving up until I'm happy. It's not like a battle cry, "I'M GONNA BE HAPPY." But there are things that I want to do and in order for me to get out of bed in the morning to make money to do those things or write a paper for school I have to be somewhat happy because I can't get out of bed in the morning scared shitless and hating myself.
The more out I am about HIV, the more accepting I become of it. I just decided to get the biohazard symbol as a tattoo. It signifies that there are things in a container that have touched body fluids, like blood. Something about the tattoo reminds me of when I was in the 8th grade and I wanted to be punk rock and stuff, what a cool feeling it was. Just like, Fuck You! It wasn't bad like my mom probably thought. It was really healthy.
MW: It gives you a sense of independence.
Stella: Exactly. So, I decided to get this tattoo because it means before you can call me poison or pariah or whatever the fuck, it's okay I know and I'm fine with it. I'm gonna get it small on this bone in red. I was telling my therapist and he said, "three years ago, I don't think you'd be talking about getting a tattoo that labels yourself as poison." I was glad that he was able to see that it was a good thing for me. It's been a long process and a lot of failure and picking myself up again and again.
When I left acting conservatory in Boston, I was doing crappy auditions. I decided to do plays and screw school. Then I decided to go back to school for Italian in the fall about a year and a half ago. I wanted to study Italian and see where it would take me. That's where I met Allen.
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