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Stella,
1995.Stella
On the jungle gym in a park in the Upper Haight, near her apartment
April 26, 1995
It's perhaps significant that she's 71, born and raised in New Orleans, a proper southern lady and a lot of stereotypes for her have not been broken. She's not homophobic though which was on my side. At least with men, she has a couple of gay friends. A son of a good friend of hers died of AIDS right before I tested and he as well was a good friend of hers. She went and visited him in the hospital. I'm sure she could never talk about his sexuality. The closest would be, "So do you have a new boyfriend?" But she's a kind person and I knew that I had that on my side. Even though I'm her youngest daughter, I feel that she has more in common with me than her other daughters. My dad died when I was one. She hasn't had the easiest life. Needless to say, I'm unbelievably glad that I told her.
MW: How was it when you saw her before you told her?
Stella: Oh, it was horrible, that's why I told her! The worst was when I got my results in February and my mom came out here on a business trip in May. I love my mom. We've not always been really close but I love her! I was really excited about her coming here. It was just really hard because I wanted to love her all the way and I wanted her to love me and I was holding back so much, especially a few months afterwards. I would look at her and I couldn't really talk. Behind my face, I was just going Mom! Mom! Mom! I have HIV! MOM! It was horrible holding it back. It got easier the more I saw her. But I felt deeply she couldn't know me at all without knowing this and I couldn't pretend to myself that she could. I got to a point when if she became a total witch and turned on me I could have taken it.
I still have one sister left to tell. I wish I'd done what some people do when they get tested and just told a lot of people. Instead, I was like, "Nobody will, know, nobodywillknow!" But I couldn't get the love I needed from people if I kept holding stuff back. I wish I hadn't been so scared. I wish I would have called my mom and had her freak out. I had to take care of everything on my own and it was not easy obviously.
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