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Stella,
1995.Stella
On the jungle gym in a park in the Upper Haight, near her apartment
April 26, 1995
Part of how I felt stemmed from my upbringing. I am Catholic as much as going to a Catholic school and going to mass every Sunday. I had a lot of sex guilt. I remember I didn't lose my virginity until I was 18. I couldn't imagine having sex and then lying with someone in bed. I thought you have sex and then just get out of there. I wasn't sure if it was just being Catholic or if it was my mom. My mom was kind of closed about sex. I actually think that played into me getting HIV because I was nowhere near the point where I could say that I wouldn't have sex without a condom or just fool around and not have sex. I couldn't even take my clothes off and walk around naked. I never had the guts to make somebody wear a condom; besides the fact that I didn't think AIDS touched my community at all.
MW: Do you know who you got it from?
Stella: No, I don't. At that time I'd had sex with like eight or nine people. I remember counting in the doctor's office. I didn't really know a lot of them. I didn't even know their last names. I had this boyfriend over the summer. I figure it's a pretty good guess that I got it from him because we saw each other for awhile. But then I think about the very first time that I had sex, I have this feeling that it was him. He used IV drugs and he was bi-sexual. He knew that I lost my virginity with him and he made a point to get a hold of me a week or so after I got tested. I think he was checking to see how I was doing with my life and what was up with me. He made these major changes. He went to school full-time, didn't do drugs; he was into his body. He was boxing and all of this stuff. My T-cells were so low when I tested... and it seems really weird that they would have been that low that soon. But I don't know, I think about it now and then. I'm kinda curious about it, very actually. I would really like to know.
MW: What do you feel you've learned about the way the world runs on a fundamental level?
Stella: Well, one of the things is that people, myself included, my mother, the government; no one does anything about anything until they are made uncomfortable. I didn't do shit about AIDS or think about AIDS until I was made uncomfortable by it. My mom probably didn't think she had to do anything until she was made to feel uncomfortable. The government didn't start doing anything until rich white girls started getting AIDS or the President's son or movie stars, until they're made to feel uncomfortable. But you gotta do something about it before it kicks you in the face.
MW: Has the way that you live your life changed a lot since you tested positive?
Stella: I guess all in all it's made everything a lot more meaningless which takes a lot of weight off. At the same time, it makes things that are meaningful more meaningful. A lot of things, like success, are meaningless to me now. I've been in touch more and more with, "How can I make Stella content." Not how can I hang on to the little plans that I made for myself when I was six years old, but how can I make Stella, twenty-six-year-old-woman, content?
» This completes 1995. Continue reading 2000
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