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Stella,
2000.
Stella,
2000.Stella
November 4, 2000
Stella: HIV HIV HIV... I found out I was positive nearly eleven years ago; HIV has found a little, or sometimes big, place to nest in me. It is part of me but does not get my attention every day. Still, on rare occasions, about three times a year, I panic and remember with a jolt that I am positive, and have been for all these eleven years and well... something has to happen soon right? Nothing does and so I go on and live my life.
I have lived in Italy for nearly four years. I came here to study in 1996 for an independent project on HIV positive Italian women. I spent the year immersing myself in this wonderful culture. I fell in love with an Italian guy who was scared, but accepted my HIV status. That was a revelation for me that a man could actually sleep with me and have a relationship with a poisoned person. We stayed together for a long time and only recently broke up. Surprisingly, HIV was the least of our problems. It bothers me now to think of him moving on in his life. He will enjoy being with his next girlfriend who will probably not be positive. He will revel in the carefree-ness of their lovemaking. Revel in not having to get tested every six months. Revel in hugging and touching and considering not using a condom with someone skinner, prettier, cleaner and safer. Okay, so it is still a part of my life. Va bene.
My life is changing, and change always brings HIV to the surface more than when my life is static. I am leaving a relationship that has been comfortable, though at times painful, for years. I am thinking again about how it will affect someone who wants to get close to me. Courage.
I just read over what I wrote and a common thread occurred to me: I think about HIV only in how it will come to affect others in my life. In reading over what I said in 1995, I was concerned about my mother and her reaction to my being positive, my brothers and sisters, a guy I liked at the time, always concerned with how everyone would feel about me because of HIV. Always afraid that how they felt about it would have a negative impact on how they would treat me.
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