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Stella,
2000.
Stella,
2000.Stella
November 4, 2000
Besides being afraid of dying, HIV is something I live with, and I live with it with others. I exist with others. If I am not loved and accepted by others, who am I?
These are just thoughts. Free thoughts. I am exploring a subject that I have not thought about in a while. If I think about it too much I am afraid of getting scared, afraid of getting angry with myself. I am an easy target, I cry easily. It doesn't take much to break me down... Well, maybe it does, I'm still kicking. I am still trying my damnedest to honor myself, to serve and take care of myself and show respect to me. It is a daily battle. I still sometimes pull the covers over my head and forget the day exists.
My heath is fine. I have had shingles three times. I work as a cycling tour leader and once had to leave tour because I had an outbreak. That frightened me. But, I need to keep taking my medicine and I should be fine. Taking medication daily is not something I am good at. I could never follow a complicated cocktail therapy; in general I am not good at adhering to regimens.
I would rather be where I am now than where I have been in the past. I feel a certain freedom that I never felt at any other age. Some of this is due to HIV. I can feel hurt and be angry and sad, but I come back. And I am me. I don't suffer from anxiety as I did at one time. I am more accepting of how I feel from one moment to the next. I am not trying all the time to direct myself to feel a certain way.
I am tired of talking about me and HIV and want to stop.
» This completes 2000. Continue reading 2005
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