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Page 9
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James
July 10, 1995
His Apartment (same as Tapestry’s) Lower Haight
MW: Yeah.
James: I mean it really is.
MW: Sorry.
James: It's okay. Sometimes it's good to talk about this, because you usually don't go down deep. At one time I was just a big bag of bones breathing. And that's a sad, sad thing. I have all these things that I want to accomplish, but what if I die before I accomplish them? What if I'm nobody when I die? I just can't believe I made it through all this shit just to die...
When my time comes... I sit and try to think, am I going to be scared or am I going to be strong? And my body gives me no answer at all. There's no feeling, nothing. But I think about it a lot. I used to want to die, because it would get me out of this miserable life; take me somewhere else better. You know what hell is to me? You die, and wake right back up in your own life, and you're going to be in it for eternity. This is hell when you can't freely give the things that bring you joy everyday. It's hell when a piece of paper is more important than you. It's hell when motherfuckers with power are starving other people, but they have it good. What could be worse? There's no damn fire somewhere where you're going to sit in a bunch of flames and charbroil. Come on. I'd like to meet the stupid ass that made that one up.
MW: So what's Heaven?
James: Well, we ain't gonna be a whole bunch of little angels in the sky, flying around, floating on clouds! I think it’ll probably a place where we experience the good things that we missed while we were here. What are just words here, we'll be able to live there. Then it won't be a fight everyday.
» This completes 1995. Continue reading 2000
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