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James
July 10, 1995
His Apartment (same as Tapestry’s) Lower Haight
Life is different after you find out you're positive. My saying to describe what I feel is "Love Don't Live Here Anymore." I don't think I mean it literally, but as far as loving myself, or giving my heart to another person, either I forgot how to or, I'm stopping myself. At one time I was so happy, I was silly, I was fun to be around, and I was genuine. But now, sometimes I don't feel like laughing. Sometimes I laugh to hide other things; like that I don't want to get up out of bed. I don't know. I lost something when I found out.
I had too many things happen at one time. The HIV, Andy died, I had a drug problem, my parents didn't want to mess with me because I was HIV positive. I desperately needed help. I'd given up on myself. I guess sometimes I just don't want to laugh because I've been some hellish places. I experimented with being a lot of different types of people. And even though I always heard my mom saying, "You're sorry, and you ain't worth a shit." I like my original self the best.
MW: Could you tell me more about what happened with your parents?
James: Well, you know the story that they always told when you were growing up, "no matter what you do, I'll always love you." I heard that one too. I came home one time because Andy was driving me crazy. I had thought about murdering him, because if I couldn't have him, nobody else could either. I called my mom one day and I said, "Mom, I need to come home." I told her I had a drug problem. So she sent me a ticket. My intentions were to never go back, but I told Andy I would be back in two weeks. When I got home I called him and left a message, "I'm never coming back. I didn't want to tell you before I left because I couldn't." He called and begged me to come back. He said we would work everything out. My mom found out I was gay, Andy was my lover, and that he was black all in the same day. It was too much for her to handle. Then I told her, "I love him. I'm going back." I did but nothing changed. I called my mom again crying. " I ain't got no where to live, Andy won't let me stay with him because every time he lets me in the house I fuck his face up." I was mad because he didn't tell me he was HIV positive. I didn't get to make the decision from the get-go before I was in love with him.
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