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James,
1995.James
October 29, 2000
James: Things haven't changed much in these five years. I look back at my early twenties and think... my mental state? Is it better or is it worse? In five years: drug rehab, lost love, gained love, learning that sometimes love is not enough to heal the scars, rising and falling. When I take an honest look at the past five years, I realize that I learned to be a chameleon. I change colors with the seasons of my life. I do patchwork to mend the wounds, but I move so fast I never really correct the catastrophes I've created.
Has any good has come out of all of this? I have lived... longer than I thought I ever would. I am prepared to finally conquer some of the demons that live inside my mind. I know through God I do not have to live in darkness. I can be in control of my travels. I must not let the past give me direction. I must lay those scars to rest. I am waiting to exhale and I feel it near. So, if you asked me, I would say five years of life with HIV has brought understanding, wisdom, and a determination not to waste a day, a need to find that place where it is okay to sit down with myself in peace for just a moment, and rest.
But I am still searching for a life I feel I was cheated out of at a young age. I spoke before of hatred for my parents, and their need to hurt each other and to hurt me. Today, I am looking for a way to understand why, without inviting hate and animosity into an already complex existence. To lay so much to rest, I want to know if there is such a thing as destiny, and if so, why is this my life?
At twenty-nine, I know that communication with a higher power has been a useful tool in the times that I desperately wanted to understand the world I live in. At twenty-nine, I have watched people cry... and die, I have watched people live... and try to live. With age, I learned the difference between existing... and trying to really live. I see that maybe it is sheer luck that I have never had to take and HIV meds or undergo any HIV treatments. I often wonder how, after the life I have led? I thank my higher power often, so I don't feel I take this for granted. But, my need to know my purpose here is great. As people I love pass on around me, why am I still here and strong and living with HIV?
» This completes 2000. Continue reading 2005
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