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Page 9
Jako
August 22, 1995
I'd like to talk a little bit more about HIV. Mine and Nicholas's relationship is an issue in itself. I met him four months after I found out and during that time I didn't even think about dating. I didn't think that anyone would ever want to touch me or I'd want anyone to touch me ever again. I thought I was no longer desirable as a partner because I have HIV. I didn't feel human anymore. I had one friend say, "so, I guess this means you won't be dating anymore?" Nobody knew how to deal with it, especially me. I met Nicolas at a "Bye-Bye Bush" cabaret. It was Clinton's inauguration day so we put together a big cabaret with dancers and musicians and spoken word. I was taking money at the door and Nicholas showed up. He was wearing this really beautiful, huge blue bead necklace. These beads were just humungous. I hadn't seen a guy wearing a necklace like that before, or anyone really. "Wow, this is a beautiful necklace," and he was like, "yeah, it was my birthday yesterday, I got it for my birthday." We just started talking.
I was probably flirting with him but I wouldn't have ever gone out with
him. As I was walking out he ran up to me and he goes, "I really enjoyed
meeting you, can you at least tell me your name?" I was like, "sure, why
don't you come with me and we'll go down to my friend's cafe and we can
talk." We talked until about 11:30 or so and then both of us caught the
last busses back home. I felt kind of sad after leaving him, just knowing
that there was no chance of anything happening. I didn't tell him that
night that I am positive. I guess HIV wasn't on my mind that night.
A week later he called me and we went to a poetry reading. On the way there we started playing in this playground and we were jumping up and down on the jungle gym and sliding down the slide and spinning on the merry-go-round. We got dizzy because we were spinning around in circles, looking at the stars, and watching the sky spin. We lay down on the jungle gym, on these wooden slats and started talking about our relationships and stuff. He told me about all his and I told him about all mine but when I got to this friend of mine that I had gone to Europe with and had sex with twice, I told him that I contracted HIV from him. I thought he was going to reject me, call me some bad names or tell me he couldn't believe that I'd led him on. Instead, the first thing he said as I started crying was, "can I hold you?" I cried for a long time and he hugged me while I cried... It really felt dream like.
I felt kind of ashamed after the whole night; making eye contact with him was difficult; I felt like I wasn't whole. We went to the poetry reading and neither of us could concentrate so we left early. We walked probably 20 blocks together talking. I don't really remember what we talked about but I remember it was good. He left me at the bus stop and hugged me like someone I'd known for a long time. Things slowly developed from there. At first Nicolas was getting over an old relationship that had happened about six months before with a girl that had really hurt him a lot. He didn't know if he was ready for a relationship yet but he was also feeling in love with me. We'd hold hands all the time and we were really attracted to each other.
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