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Jako,
1995.Jako
August 22, 1995
I went and had a check-up. Not only for that reason, but also because it had been a year since I had been in to have a physical. I went into a local clinic, and got a Pap smear and the nurse said, do you want an HIV test? I was like, "no. Do I really need one?" She said, "Have you been at risk? How many partners have you had?" I've had seven. "Well,' she said, "anything over six is a high risk." Over six. It's ridiculous. Takes six to get infected. She said, "You should get a test." That was my pre-test counseling. I almost didn't get the test because I fucking hate needles. I have a complete phobia of getting a needle anywhere near by body. The whole idea of a little metal needle pricking my skin just makes me cringe even now, so I'm surprised I got the test. I didn't think about it those two weeks; I just went there when they were up to get my clean bill of health. I walked into the doctor's office, waited for him and when he came in he looked a little sad. I thought, maybe he's having a bad day. He simply said your Pap smear was normal but your HIV test is positive. He left right away. I found out later that I was the first positive test result for him to deliver. It was really hard for him because most of the clients at that clinic were street people, drug users and I was just a normal kid working at Safeway. A counselor came in and talked with me for about two hours. I didn't hear a word she said.
It was such a complete shock. I thought everyone I knew was healthy and I'd only had sex with healthy people that were my friends and they were clean, there was nothing wrong with them.
The counselor sat behind a rainy windowpane with sheets of water just pouring down it and I couldn't hear her. I knew that she was trained to comfort me, telling me it was okay. She gave me so much literature to read and a book about AIDS, a self-care manual and made sure that when I left the office I would go to a friend's house. All I could hear was, "this is real. This is real. This is really happening." It seemed surreal but it was real, I knew that I was really positive. I felt so alone for so long. I felt like I was a complete pariah. I cried for four days and really didn't function very well. I called work and said I was sick. I couldn't stand the idea of going and working in the deli and using a knife and maybe cutting myself, or you get scratched on something or a hangnail gets torn. I couldn't stand the idea of blood, my blood, my tainted virulent blood.
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