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Jako,
1995.Jako
August 22, 1995
We made love after four months and I cried so hard. Not that insertive sex is the most important sex or anything, or that it is my sex of choice or that we always have intercourse, but I just thought that would never happen again. We've always been safe and he has stayed negative over the last five tests. We've never done anything risky. I always make sure that I'm washed if he goes down on me but he doesn't put his tongue inside me. I think that is the riskiest thing that we do. I don't know; I'm starting to think of not letting him do that anymore either. I think that a little risk like that might be too big of a risk. He never does it if he has a cold sore or something like that. We both floss our teeth a lot. I don't even tell most people that we do that. We just got so tired of using dental dams; it really wasn't doing anything for me. We weren't even using actual dental dams; we used thin condoms, washed off that we unrolled. Maybe I'm just taking advantage of something that he is willing to do, I don't know. I didn't want him to do it; he wanted to do it. I even look in his mouth before we kiss because I don't want to kiss him when he's got a cold sore. What if by some chance I've got something in my mouth that I don't know about or a cut in my throat? It's such a fucked up life.
We check his fingers, every night. We have little alcohol wipes. We talk about him getting infected a lot. We'll stay together I think, although I don't think we'd tell anyone. I think we might move. I just don't know. It's such a hard thing to think about, me infecting him. I hope I never infect anyone. But there is always a risk, maybe one day we'll use a faulty condom. We stopped counting after 600 condoms and none of them have broken. Our brand of choice is Beyond 7. I don't know if you've heard about them but they are really thin and very strong. Made of sheerlon latex.
MW: It seems like you feel frustrated by the fact that you have to take extensive precautions.
Jako: It is frustrating. Sometimes we are in the woods on a hike and I would just like to fuck him right there, in the middle of this incredible scenery, and I can't because we don't have anything with us. Even if we have something with us, how do we wipe it off? We even wipe my vaginal fluids off from around his pubic hair and his testicles before we take off the condom. My thinking is well, what if your testicles are covered with my vaginal secretions and your dick gets limp and your urethra goes against it. I just don't know right now. I don't regret any of my sexual experiences because they are part of what I needed to find out what I wanted in my life. I just regret that I didn't always use a condom. You have a right to protect yourself and you should respect yourself and others enough to do that. I really do hope I am not a hypocrite by whatever practices I have, but I don't think I am. As far as I know, what is going to endanger Nicholas is not what we've been doing.
I think I'm done.
» This completes 1995. Continue reading 2000
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