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Page 10
Jako
August 22, 1995
He talked to all his friends about me, about a girl who is HIV positive, a good friend and most everybody was like yeah, she is great, as a friend. The first thing that came out of his mother's mouth was, "well, that's fine as long as she is a friend." Then he talked to one person who said, "Well if you really love her, if you really care about her then you should be with her." He listened to himself and stayed with me. I think we kissed for the first time after a couple of months. It was at a bus stop, we were hugging and I think his lips were resting against my chin and he asked me if he could kiss me. I felt almost like I couldn't kiss anymore. At that time I had been celibate for over a year. I hadn't kissed anyone or been with anyone. There was ten months of self-imposed celibacy and the others that were disease imposed I guess.
I remember one of the ensuing dates after I was like, "You know Nicholas
I really want to invite someone over soon and I'd like him to watch movies
with me and then I'd like him to sleep over and cuddle with me." He told
me later that he was so happy that I invited him over because he didn't
want to push me.
The first night we slept next to each other I kept my clothes on and he slept in his underwear. We ended up kissing and I knew that was safe but I even felt scared of that. I was really busy at that time. The next week we got together I let myself sleep next to him in my panties. I felt like that was my safety belt or something. He really wanted to touch me but I wouldn't let him. I just didn't want to be touched. I was so scared.
Sometimes I think about how bad I felt about my body. It blows me away, and to know that there are people testing positive right now that think that as well. I've met people who are positive who decided not to have sex or a relationship anymore. It's denying your humanity. But with all the societal preconceptions about being diseased, you feel like you are not supposed to be sexual anymore. You become an a-sexual being because you tested positive.
We progressed to where I finally let him touch me and I started feeling more and more free, mutually masturbating each other. I explained to him that before I would give him head he had to get a test himself because I wanted to know what he had, if anything. Shockingly enough for him he found out that he had clymedia and genital warts from previous girlfriends, which was telling to him.
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