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Anya
August 22, 1995
Anya's Apartment, Sunset District, San Francisco
I had been totally head over heels for him, and he felt the same about me. It was the first time in my life that was mutual. When I look back on it now, I was in a really weak position. I received this news, and my life was completely changing, I was really depressed, and feeling raw and hurt. He poked me a lot with his anger about possibly having been infected, and my caring for someone who had infected me. I found myself trying to explain it to him.
It was David's birthday around that time, a month and a half after I found out. He and I went down the coast, and he wanted to have a romantic birthday, and have wine. I tried to explain that I didn't want to. I told him, "I'm really depressed. I shouldn't have any alcohol." I have a pretty bubbly personality, but I was completely out of that.
After David and I broke up, he became involved with other women and didn't
get tested right away. He gave me such a hard time about possibly putting
him at risk and not knowing for sure whether or not I was infected. But, like
me, he was afraid.
MW: How was your life changing?
Anya: My life became about healing and figuring out what direction I wanted to go. I was having a hard time at work because I started to take AZT. I had really low energy, and you have to keep the pace at a restaurant. That was a hard time, though my friends and my family were really there for me.
Two weeks after I got my test results, I got a really low T-cell count. I immediately had an AIDS diagnosis. So, the thought of going back to school seemed absolutely unrealistic. I took one or two classes, but they weren't going towards my major. I wondered, "What am I going to do with my life because I'm going to die soon." I did a lot of sentimental stuff. You know, give them nice books and write really nice things in them so that when I die they'll look back at it and remember me. Finding out I was HIV positive really turned me off for a while. I started doing things to keep my mind off it. I went to massage school to learn shiatsu. I wanted to do things that gave me a feeling of doing something now. This helped get me back up on my feet again. I'm going back to school this semester to finish my degree because that's changed for me so much. It just took some time to realize that I do have a life to live.
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