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Antigone, 1995.Antigone Hodgins
Her Apartment, Upper Tenderloin
June 17 and August 19, 1995
Antigone: My life... I see it in different phases. I grew up in San Francisco. Until I was six years old, we lived in the Mission, in storefronts and commune situations with outhouses. I remember cement floors, running around naked, and all these people being around. My mom met my stepfather when I was two. Before that we were living in Seattle with my biological father who would have manic-depressive episodes. So, my mom left him, thank God! When I was six, we moved into our flat on 29th Street, and we stayed there until I was 11. My dad was selling fruit and my mom was going to college.
It was a very, very, very lonely time because I was too young to be able to go out and be with other people, but old enough to start feeling how neglected I was. They started leaving my sister Diana and I home alone when I was eight or nine. We would get on the bus and go to Golden Gate Park all day long. We'd go to the Aquarium or the Japanese Tea Gardens and play intricate fantasy games on the bridges of the Tea Gardens. We'd pretend like no one was there and scream and run around. Or we'd go to the movies. My dad started managing a movie theater so we would go with him to work and watch movies all day and all night.
Around when I moved into puberty, we moved to a new house, and we had money now, but my dad was always buying nice wines, and taking everyone out, and throwing his money around. I started also liking boys. But when a boy tried to kiss me one time, I just completely freaked out and I didn't know why.
I started high school. My
parents got divorced at that time, so I was like an accident waiting to
happen. I started smoking pot, drinking, and hanging out with my friends.
When I was 14, I had my first conscious drink at this keg party. We were
in the bushes with all these guys. It was really dangerous, but I wanted
to drink, and they had it. It was exciting. I felt scared and stupid.
In reality, I think I looked pretty tough, but it was like I was walking
around with these gaping holes in my stomach and my spirit. The alcohol
filled them. For the first time in my life, something filled them, and
it felt good. That was also the first night that I ever kissed a boy.
We kissed
all night, French kissing, which was a big deal for me. It was just so
weird. After that drink
I said, well, I'm just going to drink on the weekends. My friend Ashley
lived near West Portal, which was where we drank and hung out. We would
sleep over at her house, and her parents didn't mind if we got home late,
for some reason, even though they were Irish-Catholic. I don't know what
they thought we were doing. I'd always tell my dad I was going to the movies
at the Empire Movie Theater. And he would come and pick us up. We'd be
drunk,
but he'd be drunk too so he never noticed.
I didn't think there was a problem even though I blacked out the first night I drank. That was normal to me. It was pretty bad when I started driving because I would drive in blackouts. I'd come out of a blackout driving or, I'd have to talk myself home. I'd remind myself to go into first gear like, "First, second, stop. First...."
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