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Antigone Hodgins
Her Apartment, Upper Tenderloin
June 17 and August 19, 1995
MW: Alone.
Antigone: Yeah. It's very hard for me to ask for help. Marney actually helped me out an incredible amount, and I talked to her a lot on the phone. Even though she wasn't positive, she was able to help me cope. I have to learn how to ask for help and have it be okay.
It's hard now because I work in the HIV/AIDS field and I know all these people, so I can't really get support from them. I don't want everyone to know my business.
I am, on a quest
now, a spiritual quest, to find simplicity in my life. I used to want to
figure out everything. I thought I had all the answers. I thought, "I know
everything about youth and HIV, you're stupid, and fuck you," to anybody
who tried to tell me something, about HIV. They didn't know what they were
talking about. Who cares if I think I have answers though? For other people,
their answers are what matter to them. All I can do is share my experience.
One person may get something out of that, and another might not. I want
to be accepting of my everyday existence, and not feel I have to accomplish
grandiose things every day. I want to be able to acknowledge that each moment
is special. I want to come to a place with serenity around it, if I can.
Lately my primary focus and purpose has been my recovery. I heard this guy speak and he said, "When I was drinking I thought I was this nice guy with bad timing." When I was drinking, everything was bad timing, everything went wrong. I realize that if I allow it, things will happen when they're supposed to, in the right way. It may not be what I'd like to happen... I'm also trying to figure out some way to start to look at my mortality and my demise. I want to be in love and I want someone to love me and take care of me. I wanted to do it now so if I get sick they'll be in love with me by the time I'm sick and they'll stay around. That's what I thought I wanted, but when I've tried to get it, it has not worked. It can't be my goal anymore. Knowing God, I'll probably fucking get really sick and then someone will fall in love with me and I'll fall in love with them, and we'll be happy for two months, and then I'll die. Yep. It's going to happen....
Do you have more questions for me? I've just shared my ultimate wisdom. Just kidding.
MW: So you've been in intimate relationships with people since you tested positive? How do you approach being positive with them, and how does that work?
Antigone: It's changed throughout the years. When I first started dating, it was someone who was positive, he had this whole dysfunctional thing, "Oh, I'll still love you if you have KS lesions all over your body."
I've always been pretty out there with my status and I think it's been an issue, but people haven't been able to talk about it with me. I guess I can seem kind of militant about it so people get afraid to talk. I've been with people who are negative and positive who want to have unsafe sex with me, even though they know I'm positive. And that's really hard. I thought that after I tested I wouldn't have to worry about that anymore. Men, especially that are positive, who don't want to use condoms. That puts me at risk more than anybody else.
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