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Antigone Hodgins
Her Apartment, Upper Tenderloin
June 17 and August 19, 1995
MW: So when you finally decided that you were going to come out about being positive, did that come from the support that you were getting at BAY Positives, or...?
Antigone: Yes and no. It helped because I met other people who were positive and young and that helped validate my experience. But the big reason why I came out was because it was becoming too hard to keep it secret. I told some people. Then I'd hear about them going around saying, "Oh, I heard Antigone has AIDS." The fear that caused me was so great. I thought, my God, people are finding out, people are talking about me. I was so pissed, I felt out of control. I made a decision one-day, and I said, "Fuck it. This is too powerful as a secret, and it's taking too much energy from me. If everyone knows, then it won't be a problem." Having BAY Positives there was a big, big support. I've learned a lot of interpersonal skills, and how to find a community of people. I've never felt like I had a peer group. Most of the people I know who are in recovery are gay men without HIV. And then in the HIV world there were a lot of gay men with HIV, but they weren't in recovery. I was this young woman, at a time when there weren't many women out. I'd go to women's things; I'd be the youngest woman. I'd go to HIV things; I'd be the only woman. I'd go to recovery things; I'd be the only person with HIV. I still to this day don't necessarily feel I have a peer group. My friend Marney and I tried to start this women's group and it was really hard to get women to go.
MW: Why do you think it is?
Antigone: Women aren't taught to support each other. We're taught to compete for scarcity things like men, or a career, even in the group, there's this cattiness all the time. And I played into it to, "Oh, you look really good." Or, "You've gained weight." Or, "Oh, you have more T-cells than me." Or, "You have a boyfriend; I don't." Under these circumstances you can't choose your friends in some ways.
MW: Do you remember when the first woman came
to BAY Positives besides you?
Antigone: Well, one had been going. She wasn't there my first night but I met her soon after. And that was cool, but we're so different. The more profound experience for me was the first time that I met Rebecca Dennison, not too long after I tested. She had started WORLD. That was when the women in the HIV community started to come together. I met three or four HIV positive women that night.
MW: How did the connection develop between you and these other women? Did you end up talking about being positive...?
Antigone: To be honest, it was really hard for me to connect with a lot of the women, because I had other women friends. At that time I was getting over a relationship with a mentor. It ended abruptly after I tested. I was wary of getting close with women at that point. I didn't trust many people and I didn't let anyone in, woman or man. It was good for me to see the other women and to see what they were going through. I have a really hard time sometimes feeling like I can learn from other people because I think I know everything. Because I do! It's hard for me to be vulnerable in that way.
MW: Why did you feel you had to go through it alone?
Antigone: Well, I had to be strong.
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