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Page 4
Antigone Hodgins
Her Apartment, Upper Tenderloin
June 17 and August 19, 1995
I started seeing my therapist again at that point. I had a year and a half sober, and I was living with my mom. I decided to go back to school, because I never finished. I tested when I was 22. I think I was infected when I was 16. I had unsafe sex with this guy and I used a sponge. I got Toxic Shock Syndrome because of the sponge, and I had to go into the hospital. I got out of the hospital three days later, but then I got really sick again two weeks after that. They called it the Asian flu but having a really bad flu like that can be a sign of converting from negative to positive, sero-conversion. Or, I had this boyfriend who was French. We went out off and on from age 15 to 17. I think he shot speed, but he never did it in front of me, and he might have been bisexual, but who knows? Who cares? I mean it doesn't really matter. The people I had sex with from 19 until I got tested were negative, so I think probably I've been infected for 10 years, but seven for sure.
Meredyth: What was it that prompted you to get tested?
Antigone: Well, I was sober and my life had changed. I'd gone to the doctor to get a physical and she said that I was really healthy. I was worried about my liver. A friend of mine was going to get tested, and he said, "Come on, just go with me." He was a gay man, and he got tested every six months. He was always negative, and he was negative again. I got tested to make sure I was negative. Then I would know, and use condoms every single time. Now I'm really sure I use condoms but, for another reason.
MW:
Do you want to tell the story about when you went and got tested?
Antigone: I was working at a bookstore and going to college to become a therapist. I was working really hard on my recovery, going to therapy and trying to change my life. I got tested at an anonymous test site, and the two weeks were not hard because I was just making sure I was negative. When I went back, I had my mom drive me; I was so sure that I was going to be negative. There's no way that I could ever explain how shocked I was. I thought the reason why my parents were never there for me, and the reason why they drank, and why they treated me the way they did was because I was bad. I didn't try hard enough. I didn't work hard enough. It was my fault. This proved that I really was a bad person, and that I was unlovable. I was overcome with those feelings. When the counselor told me my result was positive, it was the last confirmation to me that I was a piece of shit.
My mother was outside and I had the counselor go get her. I told a bunch of people that I was getting tested, and because I was so sure that I was going to be negative I was like, "I'll just call you when I get home." I had also told my therapist and we planned that if I needed to, she would be around her house at a certain time, and I could call her. And then I called her. When we left the test site, my friend was really upset. He felt responsible because he suggested I go. We went home and I called my sister, my dad, and my therapist. Then I went to her office. I was crying the whole time. I was like, "Oh my God, I'm going to die! Oh my God! I'm such a bad person." I'm really afraid of dying. And I just couldn't get out of that.
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