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Antigone, 1995.
Antigone Hodgins
Her Apartment, Upper Tenderloin
June 17 and August 19, 1995
I'm afraid that if I get sick someone will leave me, or I want them to tell me, "I'll be there for when you're sick." I wonder if they think, "If I get involved with this person, then if they get sick they might expect me to be there." And going out with somebody who's my age that's a lot to have to deal with. I know I've been with people that have been afraid, but they haven't been able to say it. I've never really had anyone outright say, "I can't have sex with you because you're positive."
MW: Does being positive mean something different to you dating women?
Antigone: It did. That's part of what held me back from dating women. I was afraid women would be more freaked out about it. Having safe sex with men is easy; use condoms. With women, oral sex was the big deal. I'd never used gloves and I never used dental dams before. But so far it hasn't really been that much of an issue.
MW: How do you feel differently about yourself today than when you first tested positive?
Antigone: When I first tested positive I really felt that I was going to die in about six months. Now I don't know when I'm going to die. And I might die. My self-esteem is not the best now. This relationship I just got out of has really brought up a lot of issues for me. I'm less full of fear though. I couldn't walk down the street without feeling insecure and thinking people were looking at me. I didn't have the defenses or the tools; drinking was my defense and I didn't have that anymore.
When I was 22, I really felt like a youth, and I was. I'm starting to feel like I'm transitioning into an "adult", whatever that means. I'm much more stable, and I feel more at peace with myself than I ever have before, even though I have a lot to work on. Even dating women and allowing myself to open up those feelings is a big deal. Doing things like going to a restaurant, a movie or on a trip by myself are things that I couldn't do before, and I can now. They seem like little things, but it's freedom. I've always dealt with depression, and I never knew how powerful or strong a grip it had on my life. Even though I functioned highly outside of my house, when I was home I just.... like when I first started working at BAY Positives, I would come home and lay on the couch all day and all night and watch TV. And not be able to get up and move. I'd be crying and wanting to go to the gym, and I tried to pray, to try to help me. "I just want to get out of this house." I was too afraid to leave. Therapy changed a lot of that.
MW: What have your experiences been with doctors and nurses?
Antigone: I've had some really good experiences, and some really bad experiences. The good ones have been because I've had people treat me like a human being, teach me that I have a right to my body, and that they don't know everything. The only doctors I've had bad experiences with have disrespected me, done things without my permission, and continued even though I say it hurts, or stop. Or, they've talked about me like I'm not in the room, or like treated me like I'm this experimental project. Especially in the beginning they weren't seeing many young women with HIV. Doctors always assumed I was negative and then I'd be positive and they'd be like, "Oh my God!" Especially residents, I've had people literally freak out on me and go, "Oh, my God! You're positive? How did you get it?" And ask me all these questions. It's like, "hello, you're the doctor, I'm the patient, I do not want to have to educate you." Also a lot of doctors in San Francisco, the HIV doctors, they usually see men. They don't know how to deal with women as well.
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