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Antigone,
2000.
Antigone,
2000.Antigone Hodgins
September 14, 2000
Part of me knows that time does not guarantee one growing up and out of the familial patterns and sicknesses many of us carry with us. But most of all right now in my life, I feel two things: one, grateful that I have come to this place where my internal world rests and collides with the external. I can feel love for others today; I can feel love for myself. I still struggle, I struggle a lot, but it's as if I've made it to the level where there is no going back, and more importantly, I've reached a place of really KNOWING this, really trusting that I've grown and will continue to do so. This brings me to the second piece. Though I am happier than I've ever been, I still carry a fair amount of fear with me regarding losing this life I have worked so diligently to create for myself. I am afraid of dying now, because I feel I have so much more to lose. I have less fear that I will die in a matter of a few years but I wonder if I will be around in ten or fifteen. There are still things that I want in my life that I have not yet created and satisfied. I dream of having a child, of raising a baby in a world so much different from the one I grew up in. With HIV still here, still in my body, I question whether I will ever be able to let go of the reality that it might win. It is with bitter sweetness that I survive this virus, the longer I live, the more I grow and enjoy life, the longer I live, the longer my body has been fighting off this virus and may eventually give out. With current medications, I have much more hope, but not 100%, not even close to that. I guess that I am in a place of holding the complexities of learning to truly live and love life while having a life-threatening disease.
» This completes 2000. Continue reading 2005
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